Song for upper respiratory distress

(To the tune of that song that’s going through my head right now, but I can’t remember the title)

Oh, Mary and I are both sick as can be,
Yes, oh so sickly, that's Mary and me.
We snort and we sniff,
Still, we can't take a whiff.
We just lay on the couch and sow down hot tea.

Tra-la-la-laaaaaa,  Lah-de-dah-de-da-daaaah!

(Slow way down)

Oh, I've already had two colds this year,

But I'm still one behind my Mary, my dear.

Make the TV pause,

Gotta go blow my schnozz.

And besides, there's dialogue we'll both want to hear.

Tra-la-la-laaaaaa, Lah-de-dah-de-da-daaaah!

(Speed back up)
I'm the champeen at hacking and hewing, I swear
But the pain in my lungs I really can't bear.
I'm hocking up snails
And raw oysters by pails.
And my nostrils are very much worse for the wear.

Tra-la-la-laaaaaa, Lah-de-dah-de-da-daaaah!