A list for the ages

Ages at which one should not do the things listed, in no particular order, not that I’ve done any of them (and we’ll start with writing incoherent sentences at age 61), based on personal experience:

·       Taking off cross country with Johnnie Sullivan in search of the ice cream truck – 4

·       Saying to Bill, “Yeah, what the hell, let’s do enlist together!” - 18

·       Telling your dentist that the reason you’re squirming in the chair is that you fell off the roof whilst installing Christmas lights and then expecting him not to tell your wife, whose appointment was a couple days later. – 41 (approx.)

·       Testing a rotary lint brush on one’s hippie-length hair – 23

·       Telling the cop who has asked permission to search your car “Why not, I didn’t kill anyone,” when in fact they are looking for someone whose description you resemble and who had indeed, just killed someone, at two a.m. while coming home from work at Jeff’s Restaurant– 16

·       Splitting your pants for the second time in the same show and this time, with your underwear unfortunately shifted out of position – 17

·       Falling off the stage in full Caiaphas regalia while singing “Fools, you have no perception – argh!” in front of a full house at the pavilion – 27

·        Throwing up in the jardinière between verses while singing Stookey’s Wedding Song for some poor girl who just wanted her wedding to be perfect – 23

·       Going to the K-Mart in San Jose dressed in a plastic Santa Claus costume  in the middle of August at one‘s brother’s behest to make his girlfriend laugh and getting ejected by the store manager (who was not laughing) and so having to do the walk of shame wearing a now-sweat-soaked plastic Santa outfit – 20

·       Admitting to the other guys (while, ahem, inebriated) that it was indeed remotely possible that up to that point in one's young but no longer teenaged life one had never actually had certain experiences of a carnal nature, which we need not enumerate here, and then engaging in a Navy version of Truth orDare– 20
 

Here’s the bad news – I have not included in the list any of my truly embarrassing memories. You’ll note that no item on this list references an age in the most recent two decades of my life. I’m going to pretend this is because I no longer do anything of an embarrassing nature.