Grief

Some of you have expressed concern about how my family is coping with recent troubles. I appreciate your concern, even though I’m not entirely sure how to respond to the queries. An honest answer would differ with each response, depending on the day, hour, minute of the asking.

We find many emotions present including anger, regret, wonder, hope, hopelessness, triumph, grief, love, annoyance, curiosity, pride, hate - the list grows every time one or more of us faces a new aspect, remembers, considers.

We have our daughter back and of course, that trumps all.

I have in mind today another set of parents whose loss is complete and final. Their loved one was a person of whom I have only troubling memories. I recall him as a user, an abuser, a person whose weakness trumped his strengths and who hurt my daughter and my family. That is my view and my blinders allow only a narrow focus on my personal memories of this person, when I was called upon to take action and he reacted badly.

But I’m a dad. And as a dad it is my duty to try to view things from my daughter’s perspective. Hers is quite different from mine, including all the positives that brought him into her life and the thread of hope that she held out for him to overcome his demons. I, too have faced the self-inflicted demise of an ex whose bright spots are as much a part of the cycle of memories as are the reasons that it ended. And so, I understand how this hurts her. And on her behalf, I have to hope for him finally to have found, at last and at least, peace.

I understand his parents are hurting though I cannot comprehend the breadth and depth of their sorrow. My child came back. Theirs is gone and no amount of wishing or what-ifs will change that soul-crushing fact. And so although I don’t know them, I can’t help but feel for them.

My child came back. And for that, I will forever be grateful.