Holiday definitions

One of the perplexing things about the holiday season is that people seem to ascribe different meanings to common words and phrases. Since so many of you find yourselves snowed under (no pun intended, unless you like it, in which case I enthusiastically embrace authorship…but I digress…) with holiday falderal, and since in my new status as officially empty of nest I’ve some time on my hands, I thought it might be a mitzvah if I was to take on the task of compilation and definition of this temporary lexicon. Hence, as the observant amongst you might have soused out by now, a start at this new list follows:

Flash mob – The temporary overcrowding at the gym that occurs after the third night of holiday leftovers, chocolates and cookies. Not to worry – the crowds will wane by about mid-February.

FAA – The agency responsible for regulating our family's holiday lighting adventures, which they claim distract pilots approaching the international airport.

So good – The standard, polite utterance when sampling some of the host’s famous holiday oyster and pistachio dip.

Not so good – How one will feel an hour later if one is simple enough to actually consume said dip.

Head banger – The type of injury most often suffered whilst bring up the bins of Christmas decorations from the cellar.

Wrapping paper – A type of doggie toy prominent around birthdays and the holidays.

Low-hanging ornaments – See wrapping paper.

Torture – Hallmark holiday movies.

Addictive substances – See torture.

B-List – Where they go to find the actors involved in Hallmark holiday movies.

Sad – Descriptor for those of us (okay, okay, yes me…) who are completely addicted to Hallmark holiday movies.

Swath – The path that Odin the Large and Lazy cuts through our Christmas decorations while wandering cluelessly about the house wearing his Great Dane-sized cone of shame.

Extreme danger – The condition faced by anyone who drives within a mile of a mall on December 26^th.

Sublime – The correct term for a four-day Christmas weekend off.