Neutral corners

As I type this, Mary is in Chicago, taking a break from hospice-nursing her mom to spend a couple days being a Mom herself. Specifically, she is helping Daughter Two and The Boy choose an apartment suitable for (ahem…) cohabitation.

Since I am not part of the process except, of course for reminding them that if they expect me to visit, a manse on the 40^th floor is out, I find myself thinking a lot about texts I won’t send. Such as: Where are you now – What have you seen – Are they agreeing… Texts I will not send because I’m not a dummy and a flurry of text-based interruptions would not please the woman with whom I have to, you know, live.

So the scripts run unheard in my brain. And now, on this page.

If I was to give sage apartment-choosing advice, I keep coming back to one admonition – the importance of neutral corners.

When people ask how Mary and I have stayed lovingly together these thirty years, I have to say it’s not about agreeing or never getting angry. It’s more about how you handle things when you tick each other off.

I wish I could tell you we have developed a rubric for working through our disconnects with logic and love but for most such incidents, that would be a lie. Truth is, it has usually been about allowing each other time to simmer in peace.

And that means neutral corners.

You each need a place to go and fume without being tempted to fire off just one more perfect argument. We’ve found that just one more perfect argument is frequently what will convert a relatively mild issue to ground combat. So, when we reach that point we (sometimes - I have to admit we’re not perfect in our combat avoidance scheme) go to neutral corners and eventually, usually, one of us finds it in our heart to apologize or in our mind to reframe the question at hand or in the best circumstance, both.

That’s it, the whole nugget for today.

Neutral corners.

They don’t have to be far apart or commodious or even sealable, as with a door. All they have to be is recognized and inviolable. (Yes, yes, it helps if you can’t hear each other breathing.)

If your new apartment allows for neutral corners, and you start off with love and respect, you’re well on your way to thirty years.  Trust me on this.

(Damn, I’m brilliant!)