Things you learn during an overnight in the airport

Most people don’t know the questions to ask. I am totally alone in an upper floor passenger lounge with maybe 60 easy chairs, a table to work at and relative quiet. Most of the MANY people who missed their connection and have to wait until morning are downstairs with the thin and very used floor cushions the airport puts out for their use. (Update: Between 8:18pm and 5:31am, only four other people made use of this great space. Go figure.)

The TSA folks are really nice when they don’t have a mile-long line of stressed passengers in front of them. I’m just across from their office.

Speaking of TSA, when you go in their office to ask a question, don’t step into the part with all the radio gear – it makes them quite touchy.

All-nighters are for college-age humans, not old Fudds.

You can get a lot of writing done when you have nine hours to kill and a comfortable chair in a quiet area. Which is not to say good writing, but what the hell.

Those recorded messages about not letting strangers touch your baggage get more annoying the longer the night drags on.

You should not begin an airport overnight in a state of fatigue. You see, I am afraid of falling asleep – not because I might get robbed, although I might – but because I don’t want to wake up covered in drool surrounded by smirking strangers.

The night janitor in the ‘quiet’ section of this lounge is a really pleasant, hardworking guy. Jamaican, I’m guessing from the accent when he declines my offer to move out of his way.

There are 1,036 itty-bitty holes in each of the vent grills in the ceiling above me. Counted, did the math.

I am no more erudite in the MSP airport in the middle of the night than at any other time.  

My life

 I may be the most fortunate man I know.

I am married to a wonderful, strong woman who puts up with me. And we have two daughters who are quickly becoming two of my favorite adults in the world.

My job gets me through the day, rather than just getting through my work days. Sure, company politics and such can be a pain. But the work I do and the people with whom I do it are exactly what I would have chosen under the Veil of Ignorance, assuming I could have known from initial position how right this outcome would be for me.

I have some wonderful long-time friends – you know who you are and I so love you.

A young man has come into my life with whom I’ll be taking a road trip soon – one of my favorite activities with one of my favorite people.

I love that I can write and you can read it in near real time and I so appreciate the when/where in which my life is playing out.

I know it might seem like I’m building to some sort of twisted reveal but no. I’m just happy tonight and wanted to share it. 

Neutral corners

As I type this, Mary is in Chicago, taking a break from hospice-nursing her mom to spend a couple days being a Mom herself. Specifically, she is helping Daughter Two and The Boy choose an apartment suitable for (ahem…) cohabitation.

Since I am not part of the process except, of course for reminding them that if they expect me to visit, a manse on the 40^th floor is out, I find myself thinking a lot about texts I won’t send. Such as: Where are you now – What have you seen – Are they agreeing… Texts I will not send because I’m not a dummy and a flurry of text-based interruptions would not please the woman with whom I have to, you know, live.

So the scripts run unheard in my brain. And now, on this page.

If I was to give sage apartment-choosing advice, I keep coming back to one admonition – the importance of neutral corners.

When people ask how Mary and I have stayed lovingly together these thirty years, I have to say it’s not about agreeing or never getting angry. It’s more about how you handle things when you tick each other off.

I wish I could tell you we have developed a rubric for working through our disconnects with logic and love but for most such incidents, that would be a lie. Truth is, it has usually been about allowing each other time to simmer in peace.

And that means neutral corners.

You each need a place to go and fume without being tempted to fire off just one more perfect argument. We’ve found that just one more perfect argument is frequently what will convert a relatively mild issue to ground combat. So, when we reach that point we (sometimes - I have to admit we’re not perfect in our combat avoidance scheme) go to neutral corners and eventually, usually, one of us finds it in our heart to apologize or in our mind to reframe the question at hand or in the best circumstance, both.

That’s it, the whole nugget for today.

Neutral corners.

They don’t have to be far apart or commodious or even sealable, as with a door. All they have to be is recognized and inviolable. (Yes, yes, it helps if you can’t hear each other breathing.)

If your new apartment allows for neutral corners, and you start off with love and respect, you’re well on your way to thirty years.  Trust me on this.

(Damn, I’m brilliant!)

Norma in passing

As I type this, my mother-in-law, Mary’s mother lays dying. Mary is with her at her home in Florida, as is another of her daughters and a granddaughter and son-in-law. The family is well represented, as it has been these months as Norma’s children and their children visited, paid respects, conveyed their love and helped her through a process we all know but none of us really understands.

It is revealing of Norma as mother that each and all of her offspring has made a point of being part of her process of farewell.

There are tears, of course. Always, there are tears but there is also satisfaction in knowing that what could be done to help her has been done and by people who love her.

She's been mother to my wife, grandmother to my daughters and my friend, now of 30 years. And while we will be diminished by her passing, each and all of us were enriched by the time we had with her.

We all knew this day would come and that made it easier during the long denouement of her life. But today, it doesn’t help so much to say that she had a good run or that she knew she was loved, although those are both true enough.

Today is difficult because although we all knew this day would come, now the day has come. 

On her own terms

Sometimes the best thing that can happen to you as a parent does not involve having your kid graduate or learn to drive a car or win a contest or pass a test.

Sometimes it’s not about anything you have helped her do, or taught her or provided for her.

Sometimes it’s not about telling her what she should do, advice being a poor substitute for learning through experience.

Sometimes there is nothing for you to do but wait and watch, which is of course the hardest thing of all. So hard not to lend a hand or a word. Soul wrenching not to help.

Sometimes the kid really does surpass the parent who at her age would never have stood up and said enough of this.

Sometimes you just have to trust. And when it turns out the trust was well placed, now that is a moment!

She stood up for herself, drew a line she would not allow to be crossed. Because beyond the line was the land of herself and it turns out she loves herself enough to protect her borders.

She makes me so proud. This one was not interested in being what she needed even as he insisted she fulfill his needs, so this one had to go away. There will be others, but only on her terms.

She will shape a life that works for her, which is of course the only way it can ever work for a future them.

She gets it and she is courageous.

Sometimes the best thing a parent can do is believe.

So proud. 

Planting trees

“Society grows when old men plant trees whose shade they know they will never sit in.”

I’m told this is an ancient Greek proverb. Couldn’t say definitively and it doesn’t matter where it came from. It’s my thought for the day.

This is one of those times when it would do a disservice to both the original quote and my readers if I was to try to improve on it.

Have a good night. 

You know what to do

Until recently, I didn’t think there was any possible combination of conditions or events that would make me vote for Hillary Clinton.

After all, she is a totally fake person who did a poor job as Sec State. She would lie when only the truth could save her. I really don’t like the idea of another Clinton on Pennsylvania Ave. I could go on but too many of you seem to actually like her and I don’t want to lose friends.

Let’s just say that based on long observation of H. Clinton I have concluded that she would be a disaster as president (although admittedly she could hardly be worse than some recent vintages – her own hubbie and George W come to mind). And I believed the worst thing that could happen this electoral cycle would be for her to prevail.

 I was wrong.

Turns out, there is something worse than a candidate who has no soul. It’s a candidate who is the embodiment of evil. And now, the Republican Party is about to put one on the ballot.

Friends, please vote. Please encourage others who are not misogynistic, racist, narcissistic dumbasses to vote, as well.

We can survive Hillary. I’m not sure the same would hold true for the other choice.