The Remainders

I really didn’t think there was any point to blogging again, since we were all going to be sucked up bodily by the Great Hoover in the Sky. I mean, what’s the point of such contemplations if we’re all going to have The Answer so soon?  I figured I’d just wait until we could all meet for coffee in the Great Beyond.

Imagine my surprise at waking up this morning! Displaying amazing force of character I held my upset in check, since it was entirely possible that there’d been a simple misunderstanding as to exact timing – after all, which time zone is in effect at the Pearly Gates?

Now, though, as more and more time zones move past the appropriate date, I can only assume that one of two things is true:  either a) humankind is more screwed up than I’d surmised and very few people were taken for the Holy Ride, or b) the Rapture never happened. And since all the signs were in place according to the ancient prophesies, I have to go with Option A.

Since it now appears that most of us failed to make the grade, an examination of our lives in order, don’t you think? I mean, we need to clean up our acts so that we’re ready in case Gawd decides to accommodate a second sitting. There’s no sinners like reformed sinners I always say, right?

Yeah, that’ll happen! We got where we are by living the lives we’ve chosen to live and I say we should wallow  in our own spiritual stinkiness.

So, Dear Reader – and please don’t feel that I’m casting any aspersions here – I wonder if I might prevail upon you to join me in a bit of introspection. I mean, we’re friends, right? So as friends, let’s form a self-help group, what?  We could call it Rapture Remainders.

What do you think?

We could have all sorts of fun together in our failure association. Just think of all the activities we could organize:

·         Sinner Sock Hops

·         Dinners For the Damned

·         Loser Lotteries

·         New Years for the Naughty

I think our first get-together should center on repentance revocation. I mean, since our last-minute so-sorrys obviously failed to yield forgiveness, why should we maintain the façade of regretting the way we’ve lived our lives? I suggest we all get together and share with each other the bad things we’ve done to be excluded from the Nice List. I mean, if we’re going to burn anyway, we may as well have some fun first. And I really look forward to sharing; I’d hate to miss out on any forms of fun I haven’t yet thought of.  

If each of us makes a list of our sins and we pass them around, we can all try the best of the worst while we’re still here! Here, I’ll start:

·         I have friends who are (dare I say it?) homosexual, Black, Asian, and Hispanic – although not all at the same time, necessarily.

·         I occasionally cuss – ‘occasionally’ meaning basically if I’m awake and breathing.

·         I’ve made rude jokes about the Religious Right.

·         I had Congress With Women before I was married.

·         I’ve voted for non-Republicans.

I don’t drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes or dance nude in public. But for those things I HAVE done that I couldn’t square with scripture, I am heartily sorry…sort of.  

So, rather than sit around steaming in our collective rejectability, let’s start a club, shall we? The membership won’t be very exclusive, but perhaps that’s not such a bad thing, after all.

Please, share your worst transgressions! Don’t be shy. After all, what’re they going to do, cast you out of Paradise?

Nyah-ah-ah!