Preparing for college

We spent a portion of tonight helping Daughter Two make a list of the things she needs to get done in order to prepare for college. Now, the discussion is done and I’m loathe to open it up again as it was not a particularly pleasant discourse. On the other hand, it does seem to me we’ve forgotten a few small things we should have accomplished before now…in some cases, long before now.

I’ll share them here so that those of you whose daughters will be going off to university in years yet to come might benefit from my belated brilliance and do a better prep job with your daughters than I have with mine:

1.       Get the  girl her own whoopee cushion and teach her to hit a high E while looking nonchalant.

2.       Gather up all of the Friends and Gilmore Girls DVDs in the house and tape them together in preparation for sneaking them into her bag. When the daughter leaves, her chick shows go with her.

3.       Provide her with subliminal / nocturnal training in the desirability of staying away – far away – from boys.

4.       Buy her a copy of Job – A Comedy of Justice by Heinlein.

5.       Pre-ship the annoying little dog so it’s waiting upon her arrival. Nice surprise for her, reprieve for the annoying little dog.

6.       Record my voice yelling “What the hell!?!/!” and “Emma, hand me that shotgun!”  Also, a loop track of our Great Dane barking madly. These will come in handy when she hears someone outside her door at night. Or when one of the afore-mentioned boys approaches at any time.

7.       Go through her closet and drawers, and donate any item that when worn as intended would leave any skin uncovered from collarbone to ankles, wrist to wrist. (You may need to provide funds for her clothing replenishment trip to OshKosh or Home Depot.)

8.       Find an apartment near campus from which I can conduct nocturnal patrols.

9.       Make several preliminary trips to the campus, during which I make friends with several of the more conservative campus cops. Ask them to take good care of my little girl.

10.   Buy her sensible shoes. Donate all her other shoes to daughters who don’t have caring fathers.

11.   Cover her luggage with Barbie stickers.

12.   Cover her laptop in Barbie stickers.

13.   Procure two full sets of Barbie bedding.

I’ll think of more but for now, this is a good start, no?