Friends in pain

I’ve never been particularly affected by my own pain. Not emotionally, anyway. But it’s difficult for me to watch someone I care about hurting.

I don’t mean this in an altruistic sense. It’s just the way I am. I can be a major pain in the ass when I’m hurting and I have to suppose that’s driven in some way by subliminal worry. But I don’t really feel afraid so much. I don’t think about the what-ifs except in the sense of planning for family.

I guess I’m helped by having something I can do. I can consult with doctors, plan for my own course of treatment, talk to Mary about where stuff is located (again, just in case). But I don’t know how to handle a friend’s pain. Or a child’s.

When Two shattered her elbow, there were things I could do. Be there. Care. Get her things. But I couldn’t do a damn thing about the most important part – her pain. Her worry.

Our friend (Mary’s bro-in-law) Joe is going through chemo / radiation for tongue cancer. As did our friend Larry. Can’t imagine what that’s like and for this reason, I am scared for him. Not for the possibility of mortality. The biggest ass who ever lived was able to pull off dying. That we can all do.

But what Joe’s going through and what Larry went through earlier is NOT something we all do. It’s a particular bit of nastiness that reached out to them. And I’m scared for them. Make that, relieved for Larry and scared shitless for Joe.

I wish I could do the Green Mile thing for him. Be his sin eater and make it all better.

I can’t. But I wish I could.