Taming the Wilds

One downside of having a large lot is that it must be maintained. That means weeding, raking and worst, mowing the lawns. And in this corner of the world, unruly grass is as certain as death and taxes. Of course, taxes you deal with only annually and death but once, unless you live near an accordion player. Grass must be hacked back weekly if we’re to avoid reversion to impenetrable wilderness.

Of late, I’ve been dealing with healing my rotator cuff and with two nice long bouts with the cold from hell. And while I’ve been temporarily laid low, the grass surrounding our manse has been steadily growing. I swear I could hear it taunting me each morning as I headed off for work. “See ya, fat boy! Have a nice day; we’ll be right here growing…and growing…”

The rain hasn’t helped. It’s been unseasonably wet hereabouts. Which had the duel effects of encouraging grass growth and discouraging grass mowing, even by my relatively healthy, anal retentive  neighbors.

It was growing while I worked, while I slept and while I lay on the couch coughing up my lungs. It had reached my ankles before I left for Idaho Falls and covered them by the time Daughter Two and I returned from California. By last week, it had completely obscured the windfall branches from the last two storms. Mostly, it just waited for me, silent, mocking. And growing, always growing.

Today was my day. My lungs were clear and the sky was blue. The grass was only a little damp and the mower started on the first pull. I did the manly suburbanite thing and cut the lawn to a reasonable height. Of course, it fought back every step of the way and the process took twice as long as usual and I still have to finish the back yard tomorrow, but the front lawn, at long last, has been humbled. 

Or so I thought. As I rolled the mower into the back yard and set the lock on the gate, I could swear I heard the rustle of growing grass.

Wait!

 SSHH!

Was that..  a chuckle?

We, The People

Sometimes the yo-yos get just too annoying not to respond.

Pres. Obama has now released his birth certificate for the scrutiny of all, and I regret he did that. By doing so, he lent a small bit of credence to the ill-mannered louts who’ve been dogging him all this time about this non-issue. Taking the high road would have meant answering the question once (he did so in 2008) and then moving on. But as he said this week, the situation has been dominating the news, so he felt compelled to respond in order to redirect our collective attention back to legitimate matters.

When you’re being pursued by a yapping pack of mangy curs, it’s seldom profitable to stop and engage them. They have no rightful claim to your attention and the confrontation they demand will not be bound by the rules of logic, much less probity. They chase you not to bring benefit to themselves but to bring injury to you. The smart money is on just speeding up and leaving the howling pack behind. So, I think Ol’ Barack stubbed his toe on this one.

But now, it seems the precedent has been established for an Oz-like examination of who might be missing which critical artifacts. And it got me to wondering how the song might have gone if some of our contemporaries had been among the characters thinking about what they might ask the Wizard to provide for them.  Hm-m-m, think, think, think ….(Swirling dissolve to collage of characters singing their wishes for largesse from the Man In Green)

Donald Trump: …if I only had a soul (or for that matter, a better comb-over, a less slappable face, etc.)

Michelle Balkin: …if I only knew my history.

Jane Fonda: …if I only had some shame.

Sarah Palin: ...if I only had a brain (some lyrics can’t be improved upon).

Howard Stern:…if I only understood limits.

I could go on and in fact, it might be fun if any of you wish to add your own lyric tag lines.

Meanwhile, back to the point: it’s okay in a representative democracy that we disagree with each other and it’s critical that we air those disagreements. That’s how we fine tune the system when it gets creaky.

But what has been happening with this whole birth certificate foofarah has nothing to do with legitimate issues or policy differences. It has nothing to do with legitimacy. It has everything to do with exclusion.

If President Obama had pink cheeks and was named Axelrod, and had been born in New Hampshire to an American mother and an Icelandic father, there never would have been a question about his citizenship. So I have to ask which of those differences prompted self-important penis-enviers like The Donald to question Obama’s standing as a natural-born citizen.

Was it the color of his skin, his name, his state of birth or his father’s country of origin that makes folks question this President’s eligibility? Perhaps we should take the responsibility for vetting of potential candidates away from their nominating parties and hand it over to the KKK.  Blacks in this country were long considered –constitutionally so – as only part of a human. Now it seems, there are still folks who resent them trying to join the conversation in the big house. And too many of these chowderheads have microphones, and printing presses, and websites.

We have serious issues to confront today that will determine who we are as a people in the next century. The insidious insertion of hate-driven polemic and racist innuendo into our political discourse challenges us to decide if there really is such an entity as ‘we, the people,’ or whether we really are just competing packs of snarling curs.

Easter Candy

I am NOT gorging on candy! I am in fact, consuming just the Reese’s eggs because neither Mary nor Daughter Two care for them and I don’t want Daughter One to eat them stale when she comes home next time.

It’s a Good Samaritan kind of thing. Taking one for the famille, doncha know!

Just so we have it straight!

An Inaccurate Reputation

Some  folks of my acquaintance have developed a view of me that is totally inaccurate.  It seems certain people (who shall remain nameless, except for Karen and Joel and Sheila and my Dear Wife and Johnnie Sullivan’s mom) don’t believe I am capable of finding my way around. I assure you this is the farthest thing from the truth.

I insist that I have never been lost – not in a car, on the water or in the woods, although to paraphrase Crockett, I have been “a mite bewildered” on occasion. Not with a rake, not behind a snake…wait, that’s another story. I was a boy scout and a paper boy, for Pete’s sake, and given sunlight or stars, I can find my way unerringly between Points A and B, thank you very much!

The truth notwithstanding, the aforementioned friends – and perhaps one or two others – miss no chance to claim I am directionally challenged. This misconception is apparently based on a few unfortunate but entirely unrepresentative incidents that I will now explain:

I was NOT lost that time when I was home on leave and told my girlfriend I knew a shortcut to Villa Montalvo. I really intended to take the long way from Campbell to Santa Cruz, via Pulgas. I thought it would be romantic!

When Joel came to Seattle, I wasn’t lost trying to find a place to eat, I just couldn’t decide. There were SO many choices! And it’s not like Joel couldn’t have spoken up.

Karen, for the record, it is one of our ingrained instincts to circle before alighting. The fact that we drove around the Lincoln Memorial seven times – seven, NOT eight – was just a response to a primordial urge and had nothing to do with any inability on my part to find the entrance to the parking lot.

Sheila, I know you always drive. it’s not that I don’t know my way around, I just don’t want to usurp your position of power by insisting I take the wheel. You are woman! Roar!

Pat, next time, wake up and read the damn map! I was busy driving, bro!

Mary, my darling, I know I’ve driven past the overpass on-ramp three hundred, six times. Next chance I’ll make it three hundred, seven. I LIKE the slower route. It relaxes my mind. And the time I drove thirty miles in precisely the wrong direction in West Virginia, you could have spoken up any time, dearie!

I shouldn’t have to explain that it was the fact that I hadn’t yet studied physics that led me and Johnnie Sullivan at age four to take off in pursuit of the ice cream truck, leaving us a mile from home with no idea in which direction home might actually lie. With no physics under our belt, we knew nothing of Doppler and could thus not divine that the ice cream truck’s siren song was steadily leaving us behind.  On a side note, I’m pretty sure that was the first spanking I actually still remember. Mrs. Sullivan knew nothing about Dopplers but turned out to be an expert at fanny tanning.

So, there you are, reasonable explanations that should easily put to rest these uncharitable assertions about my navigational prowess. And besides, all of the above are in the rapidly receding past. (Don’t say it, Mary!)

Easter Sunday

Easter Sunday has always been a special time for our little table of four. We observe the Easter Bunny version, not being particular adherents to any of the standard religious superstitions. At least not collectively – any family member is free to believe as they will, subject to the hoots and hollers of non-believers.  We’re an opinionated clan, if nothing else. And since the Daughters were little girls, we’ve been building our own traditions.

Mary puts together Easter baskets using a combination of heirloom and Fred Meyer examples to hold all the treats and the small gifts that comprise the year’s haul.  I wake the girls with my standard gambit that starts with “Okay, here’s the deal…” and winds its way through a succession of ever more annoying suggestions as to the chores that should be completed before we head downstairs.

Mary and I record movies and stills as jelly bean- and coin-filled plastic eggs (said eggs with origins in  our own mothers’ Easter arsenals) are searched out from our fiendishly clever hiding places.  The dogs bark encouragement and parents watch closely to make sure we don’t have any unfortunate the-dog-ate-chocolate incidents.

Easter dinner is usually ham and cheesy potatoes, yams, green beans (French cut, of course, but don’t ask me why it matters), rolls, etc. We tend to watch a movie together while the food cooks; this year, it’s Eat, Pray, Love.  Yeah, a major chick flick that needed much more editing, but the chice of movie isn’t the point.

This is the first major holiday (“major” defined as one for which we’ve developed our own traditions of observance – Arbor Day doesn’t count) that we may be observing together for the last time as a family unit.  Either of Daughter Two’s last two college choice finalists is a plane ride away and both colleges tend to schedule their spring breaks well before this particular holiday rolls around.  Daughter One will be working in Orlando after graduation and is unlikely to choose this as the holiday for which she flies home.

And I’m realizing that the traditions to which we’ve clung so steadfastly have started falling away.

And that’s okay. Perhaps the dispersal of ‘family’ is a rite to celebrate in and of itself.

The traditions have always been just the trappings that formed around the core practice – being together at certain times of year intentionally to celebrate the fact of ‘us’ as an entity. It’s about family after all and not just this little family of four.  The stories we’ve told of how our parents used to play Santa or the way an older sibling would do this or that on Thanksgiving  will gradually give way to a new round of remembrances that the Daughters will recall at odd reflective moments for their friends, significant others, children, neighbors and PTA buddies.

Easter and Christmas and Thanksgiving pass on in the hearts and minds of those who choose to remember family, because regardless of marriage or not, kids or not, religion or not, it’s that sense of family that passes from one generation to the next. And I hope that continues.

Another Blogger Holiday

I'm going out of town on a college visit with Daughter Two and we're throwing caution to the wind by leaving our confusers at home. No confuser, no blog - get it?

I know there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth at the prospect of my hiatus but, well...there it is.

I read a really interesting article today on the subject of standardized testing in schools. The article was in Quality Digest (yes, I'm a nerd) and was ostensibly about methods for removing unwanted variation. But it didn't take a brilliant reader to divine that the author was really talking about what we do to kids when we try to force fit them all into the same educational mold.

Okay, I guess you can divine for yourselves where I might go with this one. So during my absence, if you'd like to share your thoughts on this subject via the comment post below, I'd be thrilled to hear what you have to say. And warm up the reading glasses; I'll be back next week.

Easter Bunnies

Daughter Two was right on when she commented that our front yard is becoming reminiscent of Watership Down.  There are more bunnies around this year than I can ever remember.  Brown bunnies are constantly hopping around the yard, freezing at the sight or sound of humans, taking off at light speed at the approach of dogs.

We love watching the bunnies and the occasional deer. Some of our neighbors are less enthralled at sharing their real estate with animals that love to eat the vegetables and flowering plants they cultivate in their yards.

I can’t imagine Bruno and Brigritte were thrilled when Mary put out sectioned apples the other day. And they probably don’t approve of the neighbor down the street who maintains a salt lick for the neighborhood deer population. Different strokes, I guess.

Mary and I have talked about starting a vegetable garden on the side between the garage and the shed.  I wonder if we’ll still enjoy watching the bunnies when it’s our carrots they’re after. Fair’s fair, after all.

My Old Nemesis

It had been grey most of the day and where I live, grey without rain is fairly common. So even when it started spitting intermittently, I didn’t worry.  I went ahead and got the groceries for dinner and headed on home. And although I was out of the car twice between work and home, I didn’t even think to open up the back and get out my rain jacket.

What was I thinking? Any of you who’ve followed this blog will know that my old nemesis gravity is constantly alert for opportunities to mess with me. And today was no different. Just as I pulled in the driveway, the downpour commenced. It soaked me as I got out the groceries and walked up the steps to the front door. And then as I thumbed the door latch, it stopped.

Laugh all you want, call me superstitious but I know the truth.

Gravity hates me.

Where I Live

I went to dinner this evening with a colleague from out of town.  Since he didn’t have much experience with Seattle, I wanted to give him more than the standard Space Needle tour. So we went across Elliott Bay to Salty’s on Alki.  While we ate some great food and talked about our kids, we watched ferries and tugs and towboats.

The mountain was out and the tide was at low slack, just about to turn. Sea lions hauled out on the camel next to a work barge howled to announce their presence. Several cormorants trolled around seemingly randomly. There was a bonfire on the beach and you could see forever up the throat of the main channel of the Sound.

I know we might not be here forever. Eventually, we’ll have to make a decision based on fiscal reality and where our children settle.  It’s just that I can’t imagine ever voluntarily leaving this place.

Blogger Holiday

Between Daughter Two's college visits and my two dinner meetings this week, this is the only evening we have in a two week period to hang as a family.
If you can call back-to-back episodes of Little House On The Prairie hanging with the family.
When it comes to daughters, I have no shame.

Caught in the Headlights

So, another interesting morning.

I’m driving down the street after having my teeth cleaned and it occurs to me that a large café mocha might be just the thing. And sure enough, I see a barista stand just ahead.

I pull in at the drive-through window and as I’m putting the car in park and pulling my wallet from its accustomed ride beneath my ample caboose, I hear a charming young female voice asking how she can help me.

As I turned to face her, I believe what actually came out of my mouth was something on the order of, “I’d like your largest YE-E-E-O-O-O-OW-W-W!"  It’s possible I did spinal damage as I whipped my head around, trying my best to look in any direction except toward, well, THEM.

Dear reader, you’ll have deduced by now that this was no run of the mill barista. Even with that brief unintended look, I could tell two things: that she had the kind of body all of us wish we had and that the body in question was inadequately covered. I may be old fashioned, but I don’t consider a fishnet body stocking and pasties to be appropriate retail attire.

It turned out okay, I suppose. She laughed, I laughed, she made the coffee and I cringed and tried to find something appropriately neutral to say. Parking my eyes firmly on hers, we actually proceeded to have a polite and friendly, if brief conversation.

Of course, the real conversation played out between Guy Michael on one shoulder and Dad Michael on the other.

“Oh, yeah! Lovely NAKED girl!”

“Oh, yuck! Lovely naked GIRL!”

Dad Michael won. She was my daughter’s age. Ew!

It must be a primary sign of encroaching geezerdom when, provided unexpectedly with an unrestricted view of a nearly-naked, beautiful young woman, my overriding reaction is, “Ew!”  

A Day That Will Live In Infamy

It happened while I was walking back from the store with my lunch. I was about to step up on the curb when the pigeon made its bombing run.

I didn’t think at first I’d been hit. Further inspection revealed that I had indeed been tagged here…and here…yes, and here.  I thought I’d located and wiped all the spots and was therefore out of danger until I sat down and put my hand on my knee.

Yu-u-u-uck!

I’ve showered twice in the seven hours since my dignity was so unceremoniously  assaulted. I still keep feeling the urge to take sandpaper to several patches of skin.  

It’s not that I’m squeamish, particularly. But being shat upon just wasn’t in my plan for today. I’d figured to eat my soup and drink my water at my desk. I was working on a project that really interests me and looking forward to seeing where it would take me.  Not to be.

Lennon was right.

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.

A Greek Tragedy

So, I get up this morning at the insistence of Small Dog and as I go to gather my nice warm robe around my substantial but freezing girth, I find the sash missing. It hasn’t just come out of the loop, it’s most sincerely missing. And it isn’t laying on the floor or tangled in the bedclothes.

Small dog not being in a particularly patient soul, I stumble downstairs, gripping the robe to me with one hand while portioning out kibble with the other. I then let the dogs out. And even start the coffee.  And of course, I let the dogs back in.

Only then do I wander the house, assuming one of the canines has taken the sash for a good chew. I look in the dogs’ kill zone in the family room, in the laundry room, under my bed. No sash.

Daughter Two is just getting moving and asks what I’m looking for.

“The sash from my heavy robe.”

“Sorry, I have it.” Handing it out with one hand around the edge of her door, she explains, “I needed it to dress up as Thucydides.”

Is it only in my family that her answer could have made perfect sense?

Jeopardy question

Dumbass moves for 200: Burning your thumb by grabbing the 425 degree oven rack with the mitt from which Small Dog had removed the thumb.

Q: What's a lame but accurate reason for not blogging tonight?

Dogwatch

So, I’m sitting here thinking about a topic for tonight and my eye is drawn to motion. Over the horizon of my computer desk, I see Small Dog’s butt and wagging tail. She’s motionless except for her wag muscles, totally satisfied just to be here next to me.

Large Dog is laying on the far side of the couch, oblivious to my presence in the room. Unless, of course, I should move to another room.   In which case, after waiting a decent interval to be sure I wasn’t planning to return (Large Dog does NOT believe in wasted motion), he would move back into my  proximity, close but not too close.

Small Dog likes to be in eye contact. Large Dog just likes to know where I am.

They really are furry people, aren’t they?

I’ll write something cool tomorrow night. Right now, I have to go play fetch with a little furry person.